Silent.

“How quietly we endure all that falls upon us.”

— Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

How fitting, these nine words could sum it all up.

The Last Time.

The last time you swallowed your pride, it filled you up down to the core and forgot its way out of your system. The day it flushes out of you is still in the works. Is it, really?

The last time you swallowed your pride, you almost didn’t. You said we were the ones who misunderstood. You said there’s no reason for you to apologize because we thought wrong. You said it’s not your fault if we didn’t read between the lines. You put in a good word for you, fine. But you’re not fooling anyone, well, not us anyway. It’s as clear as day. No, more than that. Between the lines malign us in exchange for setting up a perfect image for you.

Look at that. Everything you’ve said can be summarized in a single word. YOU. All caps, in bold. Should I also italicize it for you?

Let me tell you this story. In Greek mythology, there was this hunter who was endowed with good looks, he was renowned for it. However, his ego got in the way. Once upon a time, he saw his reflection, and he fell in love with it. He couldn’t walk away from this handsome young man, oh yeah. Then he died. What do you think about this story? Narcissistic, eh?

Lately, I’ve come across certain passages similar to the story I just told you. Like this one from Matilda, by Roald Dahl:

And this one, too. Though whoever came up with it, I’m not sure.

Anyway, enough of bloated egos. This one I posted on Facebook, and you know I rarely do status there, just for you. (It’s an excerpt from the previous post, a reblog.)

There you are, posting whatever without thinking twice, about your side. Oh yeah, you were convinced that we wouldn’t retaliate and just let you be. Go on, fool them with your one-sided, sympathy-seeking, I’m-a-weakling-you-must-side-with-me ramblings. That rhymes, ha.

But unlike before, we are taking a stand now. We’re long past passiveness. We’re long past trying to convince you to keep it between us and stop involving other people. We’re long past resorting to direct messages while you put what’s supposed to be personal for the world to see.

It’s our turn now. Might as well brace yourself up for it. No, it won’t be another Facebook status. We’re putting it into words, into paragraphs, into chapters. No cuts, no edits, nothing shall be left out. Until the whole story comes to light.

Don’t worry, it would be our privilege to have you read it first.

Refrigerator Conversations

Grandma: You know how when you were still little, you liked to tag along with me?
Dyan: Yeah, well Mommy and Daddy are both working so…
Grandma: One time I was cleaning the refrigerator. Usually we don’t turn it off even while cleaning it.
Dyan: Uh-huh.
Grandma: You were watching me clean, when suddenly I got shocked.
Dyan: I don’t remember anything.
Grandma: I was shocked just a bit but you were thrown backwards, away from me.
Dyan: (Tried to summon the memory to no avail)
Grandma: You tiny thing, I’ll never forget that day. I can never clean the refrigerator again without pulling the cord from the socket.

Daddy, the electrician: Let’s say you fall in line, you think the person nearest the socket/electrical wire gets shocked the most? No. The person at the end receives most of it.
Dyan: (Are we talking Physics now? I’m terrible at that subject.)

Dyan: (Relayed the story to friend)
Friend: Perhaps that’s the reason.
Dyan: Reason for?
Friend: You, being smart. Your brain got shocked.
Dyan: WHAT
Friend: I have to tell the others. Let them see if it works. *grin*

Thrown back.

It troubles me,
How easy it is to condemn
Someone else’s devotion.

To subconsciously claim to
Know much, much more
Than your fellow.

To subtly, in your part,
Hint that you’re right.
I’m not.

That I must listen to you
Yet you close your ears,
Whenever I speak.

Surely, I’m misunderstanding
You whom I’ve known
For years and years.

I must’ve overanalyzed
And you meant no offense,
And that I’m overreacting.

Nevertheless, let me end tonight
With this:
Traditions may shape lives,
However, hear me,
Before you cast me
As the delusional,
More than mere conformity,
This goes way deeper.

This is not how it should be.

The urge to go the bathroom cannot be ignored. Try as I might, I have no means of keeping it in my system for a few hours more. Scientists say we only use, what, 10-20 percent of our brain. Perhaps if people could maximize the use of both the right and left hemisphere, it’s possible that responding to nature’s call may be suspended for minutes or hours.

But that’s not the case. Nature was calling and it didn’t give a damn how it’s disturbing my precious sleep.

Few minutes later and finally emptied, I dive under the covers once more.

What I don’t get is that even if I know that this is only in my head, I absolutely have no control over what’s happening.

I don’t need Effie Trinket or Caesar Flickerman or President Snow to welcome me into this Hunger Games-ish dreamscape. I can only wish, like Katniss, that the odds are in my favor.

What is going on in this warehouse? Who are these people? What is this woman giving to me?

“Hold on to these, and no matter what happens, don’t let go.”

I obliged though I found the instructions and the whole scenario strange. I crossed my arms, holding tight whatever she gave me.

Then it began.

No bang from a gun. No countdown at all. I was caught unaware.

Suddenly, he was there.

Suddenly, I was running around the warehouse, all the time wondering why I was the only one being chased all over the place.

Lee Seung Gi.

(I told my sister about this and she said I was thinking too much about it, that’s why. I felt pathetic the whole day and relaying the story now, I’m feeling the same way again.)

I was trapped. Nowhere to go, energy drained and I didn’t feel like fighting anymore. Must be because I knew I had no chance against him.

What made it worse is, right before he took whatever the lady gave me, he flashed a radiant smile. My body stopped responding, like my nerves have been cut off. Then away he went.

I have no intention of delving deeper into what happened after because it involves punishment and lashings and cuts and blood. All for not being able to guard whatever wretched items I was running around with.

Besides, I thought this post should maintain its hilarity and, what’s the noun form for pathetic? Anyway, Seung Gi-ssi, though it breaks my heart, I wish you, and Yoona, all the best. You’re finally dating the girl you liked for years.

I’ll stay right here, hugging my chicken leg and thinking of you.

Secondhand judgments and disappointments.

I’m going for a situational analysis with this post. Say a friend of mine tells me he is disappointed in me for turning down a job opportunity. Say he tells me how I’m not a fighter for making that decision. Say he tells me that the work I turned down is better than the one I’ve chosen to do. Says he hopes I won’t have any regrets.

A few weeks ago I’ve decided to try being an ESL teacher to Korean kids. This will be my first job after getting out of college. It’s contractual since it is likely that after two months, there will be no students to teach. Which means I may go back to being unemployed afterwards.

Am I worried? I’d be lying if I say I’m not. However, with this decision I’ve come up with another decisionㅡthat is to stop worrying on what is to come and just live for the NOW. I’ve always loved what Hagrid said in the latter part of Goblet of Fire. He said “What’s coming will come and we’ll meet it when it does.” Well said, Hagrid. That makes so much sense.

Am I not a fighter? Am I a coward? I’ve been making decisions for myself for sometime now and if choosing what I think is best for me instead of letting others do it for me, if you think that’s being weak, then let’s stop this conversation at once.

For one, you’ve just told me you think that opportunity is better. To conclude what you said, I think I’m being brave here. I think I’m the one taking a risk here. I’m the one, as you intend to say, putting the stability of my future on the line. Does that seem cowardice to you? People who know me know that I’m all for going along with the rules. I’m all for reasonable things. I’m a sucker for reality checks. But now, finally, I’m doing the leap.

If I’d have any regrets, no worries because I won’t let you hear my rants and all else that comes with regrets. Though I’ve only been trodding this planet for 19 years, believe me, I’ve lived many lives already.

Don’t expect me to live up to anyone’s expectations. Don’t expect me to take the same course you’re taking now. Don’t assume that I’ll be better off with what you think is best. Life is full of uncertainties. I won’t let myself be tied down to something that I’m not passionate about just because. It’s a regret I fear more than being unemployed after two months. Don’t even think of being disappointed in me, I don’t see the need to measure up to your criteria. I’ll let you live your life, so please, stop your judgment and words of disappointment. Let me live mine.

Somewhere,
Dyan

Not okay.

It seems I can’t evade moments like now. This is not the usual sadness, one without a definite cause. I am fighting the feeling. Seeing the reason why I am in this state right now, I am embarassed. It seems so shallow and petty. Superficial, even.

It seems I can’t stop doing this thing over and over. I’ve kept notes on my phone, even jotted things down in my journal; and yet here I go again. Comparing this and that, thinking they have it better than I do. Which is not the case, really. Yet I still think less of myself.

I’ve read that one before, it was C.S. Lewis explaining how humility goes. He said humility is thinking of yourself less. Thinking less of yourself is different. I am doing the latter and it sucks.

Do you see how things are for me? I won’t be so selfish to take all the credit but that’s how it goes for me. Yes, most of the time I don’t let it get to me, people’s opinions and subtle implications of how I should live my life. I don’t let others do decisions for my life. If I fail or go wrong because of my decisions, I’m all set to take responsibility.

But this is different. I am the one who is inflicting this sadness. I do the looking down on myself and I let it get under my skin. This just has to stop.

Somewhere,
Dyan

You don’t have to mind this post.

I just want to let it all out and maybe I’m being this way because I skipped dinner but I really didn’t feel like eating, or maybe the summer heat’s making me crazy, but really I feel like I’m going mental. I’ve been thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking of anymore but my mind insists and I am going bonkers. I feel like talking to someone, but I don’t really know who to talk to or who I want to talk to… I’m pretty sure I won’t get to sleep easily like this.

Perhaps drinking lots of cold water could help. Oh I don’t know… it’s another strange night for me. I’m hoping I’d be able to sort out my thoughts and emotions so I may sleep already. MENTAL MENTAL MENTAL

Headstart.

Of course I’ve thought about it, been thinking about it. Contemplating on it now more than ever, I guess. It’s not that I’m being pressured by my Dad to find one but… have you ever felt stupid when asked what will you do with your life now and strangely you don’t know the answer? Its answer is almost as slippery to grasp as the answer to the question “Who am I?”. Not that many people ask me about it; most of the time it’s me who hurls that question at myself.

Yes, I’ve finally graduated from the university last April 10, and yes, I’m still unemployed. I haven’t applied to any company yet and I didn’t really have plans of doing so this summer. I was planning on working on it come the latter part of May or June. It’s just that, when I see these people determined to work now and here I am, watching my favorite shows on TV, lounging on the couch reading books or ebooks, trying to learn a few phrases of this foreign language, surfing the internet, or running a blog and other social media accounts—I’m dragged down, frustrated because in that certain issue I can’t think like they do. I’ve made no effort in looking for work.

Before the thought of me being dependent on my Dad crosses somebody’s mind, let me say that I don’t have any plans of doing such. My Dad’s done his part(though he tells me he’d still have me here if I can’t find a job) by paying for my education and giving me a home and allowance and some other things that fall under Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Before the thought of me having no dreams except those that my brain concocts while I’m asleep, let me say that if I get to work, I’d work on something I’m passionate about. Let me say that if I get to work, I’d work for the people I love—them who told me that as long as I’ve earned what I deserve for my hard work, they’d be happy. They already know who they are, as I’ve told them repeatedly every time we meet.

Right now, my prayer is that when that moment comes, I won’t forget. When that moment comes, I’ll remember who or what brought me here. When that moment comes, they’ll be with me when I soar the skies.

Somewhere,
Dyan

“I wonder how. I wonder why. I wonder where they are.”

There’s this moment when you keep on telling yourself that maybe, just maybe, it is really shame that holds someone back. There’s this moment when you think, perhaps one more chance won’t hurt. But in the end, it still does.

But for the second time, you say, it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. It’s okay. It’ll be alright, because things will get better, right? Then it will really hit you: that sometimes, for things to get better, you have to stay away. That, to avoid hurting each other, distance is kept.

You slow down, because you wouldn’t want to be hasty in making a decision. You think twice or more than that, because it’s better than deciding in a snap.

But then, certain realizations fall into place. You realize that it’s not shame after all, or embarrassment, or something close to it that there are words unsaid, actions undone. You realize that, in the person’s perspective, you’re the one who made a mistake. You’re the one who made the choice. You’re the one who set it all aside and focused on pretending nothing has ever happened. It seems to be this battle you can’t win unless you let it be.

It’s just sad, though, that some find it so easy to walk right in and out of your life. It’s sad because here you are, trying so hard to understand and secretly hope that, if not for the situation to be like it was before, just to patch things up and say goodbye with no hard feelings. It’s sad because, in the blink of an eye, they’ve thrown everything away like trash.

It is disheartening, when you realize they never really wanted you. They only needed you.

Somewhere,
Dyan