Not okay.

It seems I can’t evade moments like now. This is not the usual sadness, one without a definite cause. I am fighting the feeling. Seeing the reason why I am in this state right now, I am embarassed. It seems so shallow and petty. Superficial, even.

It seems I can’t stop doing this thing over and over. I’ve kept notes on my phone, even jotted things down in my journal; and yet here I go again. Comparing this and that, thinking they have it better than I do. Which is not the case, really. Yet I still think less of myself.

I’ve read that one before, it was C.S. Lewis explaining how humility goes. He said humility is thinking of yourself less. Thinking less of yourself is different. I am doing the latter and it sucks.

Do you see how things are for me? I won’t be so selfish to take all the credit but that’s how it goes for me. Yes, most of the time I don’t let it get to me, people’s opinions and subtle implications of how I should live my life. I don’t let others do decisions for my life. If I fail or go wrong because of my decisions, I’m all set to take responsibility.

But this is different. I am the one who is inflicting this sadness. I do the looking down on myself and I let it get under my skin. This just has to stop.

Somewhere,
Dyan

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