“I wonder how. I wonder why. I wonder where they are.”

There’s this moment when you keep on telling yourself that maybe, just maybe, it is really shame that holds someone back. There’s this moment when you think, perhaps one more chance won’t hurt. But in the end, it still does.

But for the second time, you say, it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. It’s okay. It’ll be alright, because things will get better, right? Then it will really hit you: that sometimes, for things to get better, you have to stay away. That, to avoid hurting each other, distance is kept.

You slow down, because you wouldn’t want to be hasty in making a decision. You think twice or more than that, because it’s better than deciding in a snap.

But then, certain realizations fall into place. You realize that it’s not shame after all, or embarrassment, or something close to it that there are words unsaid, actions undone. You realize that, in the person’s perspective, you’re the one who made a mistake. You’re the one who made the choice. You’re the one who set it all aside and focused on pretending nothing has ever happened. It seems to be this battle you can’t win unless you let it be.

It’s just sad, though, that some find it so easy to walk right in and out of your life. It’s sad because here you are, trying so hard to understand and secretly hope that, if not for the situation to be like it was before, just to patch things up and say goodbye with no hard feelings. It’s sad because, in the blink of an eye, they’ve thrown everything away like trash.

It is disheartening, when you realize they never really wanted you. They only needed you.

Somewhere,
Dyan

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